Mumbles / Troll of the day

How to tell if you are prematurely entering stereotypical middle-agedom

In addition to imaginary hot flashes and constantly exclaiming “You never take me anywhere anymore!” here are a few more signs that you may have crossed over. The following are characteristics that I’ve observed. Secondhand, of course.

You may act 30 years older than you are if…

  • a productive Friday night consists of watching a marathon of “Frasier” on WE television.
  • you get all “tuckered out” by 11 p.m. after said productive night.
  • you use words like “tuckered.”
  • ‘a’ glass of wine is plenty. More than plenty. Dangerously plenty.

    Diane Keaton, my psychological doppelgänger.

  • you can’t name a single song by Lil Wayne and have no ambition to remedy said situation.
  • all commercials are suddenly hilarious.
  • half your wardrobe (decidedly) seems to be turtlenecks. Less Annie Hall, more Erica Barry.
  • you get that reference.
  • it occasionally seems reasonable to you that Betty White should be “hot” anywhere.
  • you choose NPR over music in the car 75% of the time.
  • you agree with your mom that a new line of clothes at Kohl’s “isn’t tasteful”.
  • you mute yourself repeatedly while on your cell phone because you just can’t figure out the “darn thing.”
  • you contemplate getting a cat even though you are allergic and don’t actually like cats (because you are allergic). Can’t beat automatic friends.
  • you are partial to making lists of characteristics you recognize in yourself with the intention of self improvement but knowledge that a “Murder She Wrote” marathon is in your future.
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